So I'm here. Standing in the middle of the road. Seems as if a lot of time has passed and I'm not sure how I even got here. I cut my eyes to the left and I see no one. Look right and it's the same thing. The temperature is cold. But somehow warm enough that I can still feel my hands, my fingers. Im cold, so cold that I don't want to move a muscle. I realize I'm holding something in both hands. I'm holding handles to suitcases? But where was I going? What got me here.
I bend my knees to set the luggage down and I feel the stiffness in my knees. The tightness in my back, pain in my shoulders. But it feels good to be free of the extra weight. I take a seat on the luggage and tie my scarf a bit tighter. Bring both hands to my face to blow warm air into them. Mmmmm, feels good. I can feel the warmth against my face. I'm able to wiggle my nose a bit. Just then I remembered. I was alone on this road, looking for him.
I can remember my mom packing my weekend bag. Anticipating the moment all week long that I would be able to spend time with him. Sometimes I'd sit at the window and every car that pulled into the parking lot I would wish was his. Sometimes it actually was. Sometimes.
I remember once he took me to go meet his father. Whom I would assume abandoned him, since this was the first time I'd ever met him. Without getting into specifics I remember walking out of my grandfathers trailer and my dad emotional. Once in the car, he looked at me and said he would never let the relationship he had with his father be the blueprint for our relationship.. life happened, and he forgot.
This suitcase I'm sitting on is starting to hurt a bit. So I stand. Rub my hands together and prepare for this journey further down the road. I watch my left hand grab the handle to my suitcase. I see my ring finger and I'm reminded of my wife and daughters I left back home. I'm sure they are warm and secure. As I'm cold and vulnerable. Taking the first step is hard, as now the wind has picked up and fighting against me.
He's out there somewhere. 50% of my existence is walking this earth out there somewhere. Then it hits me. Haha it hits me like a ton of bricks. I honestly NEED him to keep walking. I still need that distance between us. There are lessons that I still have to learn being alone. His absence has been my motivation for success. It has been the driving force to make me want to be a better father. But has also kept me at arms distance from most people. Guarded and distant.
So for now I'll call this one a draw. No winners no losers. I am honest enough with myself to know I still need that fire inside of me so I can stay the course. I still need the hurt and the pain so I can proceed with the task at hand. But I tip my hat to you sir. Because even in your absence your are still the teacher, and I forever the student.. catch you later!