For those who know me personally know that I was never a flashy guy. Never did much to draw attention to myself. Mostly due to a lot of insecurities that I was dealing with. Still dealing with. Haha most wouldn't even know how shy I actually am. So how ironic is it that I've started a blog that is SO transparent about my life.
With my father being in and out of my life I suppose I felt if he didn't want to be around than why would anyone else. I mean he's my FATHER right?! That should be a no brainer that we would be thick as thieves. Not the case. I feel most of my adolescence insecurities started from there. Acceptance.
So I stayed in my shell for most of my teens. Poked my head out occasionally to let people know I was still alive. But I always went back to that little boy feeling vulnerable. Critical years that would mold me into the man I was to become. Beautiful life now, but was a highly emotional road to get here.
Being a photographer it's my job to help portray confidence. In order for me to do my job I have to help provoke that in every capture. Little do they know I'm just as insecure as they are. I'm comfortable behind the lens. I'm not judged. Picked apart. I'm not forced to see myself the way the world sees me. But after I paint that picture for a client they see how beautiful or handsome they are. And it's not as bad as they thought.
I'm still dealing with my own insecurities in front of a camera. Haha most of the time I shoot myself I'm hiding behind a fedora or my back is to the camera. It's 100% me not trying to be cool, but 87% of me being insecure. But it's ok. With each image I am chipping away at that brick wall. The truth is hard for a lot of us to deal with. We all would love a photoshopped lifestyle. But that not reality. Everyone has an issue that they struggle with. I'm no different.
I'm 5' 5", a little over 200lbs, I drive a '04 Trailblazer, work in a warehouse and I have a receding hairline so I shave my head every other day. Doesn't sound to appealing on paper but these are my truths and I have to accept them. Confidence starts with looking directly into the camera lens.
The guy in these pictures appears to have it all together. But he struggles like anyone else. It's a work in progress to match the inside with the outward appearance. It's easy to dress the part. I'm mastering that. Now it's time to dive inward so the two are a perfect reflection of each other.
So this is us. We are the "late bloomers". But it's ok. It may have taking me 37 years to find my stride but I'm finding it. Look at it like this, people already find joy in who you are. So it's there. But what we have to do is spend enough time within ourselves to see what the rest of the world sees! A lot of the problems I've had with myself is that I have never diagnosed my issues. I just figured this is me and I work around it. But that's not living life the way it's meant to be lived. Let's DEAL with the matter and work through it. So much extra energy is spent on moving around something verses just going straight through!
The new way of looking at yourself. The new way of reacting to insecurities. The new way of tapping into your true self. New year. The new me. The new you. The New Hue.